Re: Teddy “The Wanker” is the man we need!

Dear Herr Dusich,

You probably will be wondering what the purpose of this letter might be. I know I told you that I would abstain from stealing this idea from us, but it’s become necessary to expand war on all fronts.

Ted Neely is perfect for the job. Watch JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR: THE MOVIE and you’ll know we don’t have any other option.

Anyways, as we agreed on before getting rudely interrupted by the Coroner, here’s the beginning of the script:

SCENE 1

The camera follows the feet of two policemen escorting a prison inmate to his cell. We see other cells as they walk. The feet stop. Noise of a key being twisted and the door opens. They push the inmate in.

POLICEMAN 1: C’mon, “Slim,” time to meet your new husband!

The camera now is inside the cell. We are right in front of SLIM’s feet and the camera (from the point of view of someone sitting on the lower bunk) will slowly go up his body as we hear the following dialogue:

SLIM: Hi!

OFF (Old man): Hello, young boy, fancy a fag?

SLIM: Sure. Thank you (as he leans forward and comes back with a cigarette in his mouth). Won’t have a light too, now, will you?

OFF: Of course, of course.

We see an old shaky hand getting a matchbox from a little tin table placed near the bunk beds.

Close up of SLIM. It’s the first time we see his face completely (CHRISTIAN SLATER).

SLIM: So, grandpa, what are you in for?

OFF: Oh, well, not so long ago…

We see how one of the hands strikes the wall with a match and lights it. Close up of SLIM holding the cigarette in his mouth. The old hand with the match is moving towards the cigarette.

OFF (as the hand lights SLIM’s cig): …I used to be…

Close up of the old man, lit from underneath by the match. Smiling uncannily.

OLD MAN: …the POPE!

The match goes off, we can see their silhouettes in the dark, facing each other.

MUSIC in.

TITLE. The words come from opposing sides and meet in the center of the screen:

POPE FICTION!

Subtitle pops in:

“What happens when He is the man on the top bunk?”


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